Fifty Shades of Meh

Still from Fifty Shades of Grey the movie.

I had the opportunity to go see it on Friday with a friend of mine.  And you know what?  I didn’t think it was altogether terrible.  Now, I have not read the books.  I tried and only got about three or four pages into the first one before the double crap stuff irritated the piss out of me.  So, my comments are strictly going to be reserved for the movie.  WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD!

The movie opens with Ana getting ready to go interview Mr. Grey.  She shows up at his office and trips over the threshold.  Standard chick flick trope.  Of which there are many in this movie.  That’s not what I am interested in.

The BDSM community the world over has decried the books, and by extension the movie, as being horribly abusive on the part of Christian Grey.  I myself would not call what I saw in the movie abusive.  Highly unethical, but not abusive.  So, let’s examine those parts.

  • Christian wants Ana to be his submissive, but when she asks questions about what that means, he beats around the bush or flat out refuses to answer her.
  • He distracts Ana with sex.
  • He tries to intimidate her when she “misbehaves”, i.e. telling her he would spank her if she was his after getting blotto at a bar.  Okay, that one could be considered abuse.

But there are other aspects of this character that I liked.  For instance, the fact that he tells Ana that more or less he is kinky from the beginning and giving her an out.  See, the biggest thing I have heard about Christian Grey is that he is an abusive stalker who is basically holding Ana an emotional prisoner when it is Ana that tells him she’s okay with it.

Yeah.  Ana.  I have HUGE issues with this character.  Like I said, Christian tells her she can leave if she doesn’t feel comfortable.  She doesn’t.  She makes it seem as if she is okay with what is going on.  So, Christian gives her contract to sign.  She piddlefucks around with signing it, then decides she doesn’t want to sign, but then she still acts as if she is following the contract(which, if I was a dominant, would confuse the fuck out of me and piss me off).

Due to (and this is my opinion) the ambiguousness between Christian and Ana, she starts going all drama llama.  She spends a good portion of the movie blowing hot and cold and leading Christian on with the will she/won’t she contract signing and at the same time trying to get him to change who he is, i.e. make him not kinky, make him her boyfriend when he said he doesn’t do relationships.

So, when she finally decides to sign the contract, she makes him take a business meeting with her and she is assertive.  Definitely not the passive aggressive brat she’d been up to that point.  Actually, scratch that.  After she signs the contract, she’s still a passive aggressive brat, but in a different way.  She spends the rest of the movie baiting him into punishing her, all the while whining “Why do you want to punish me?!”  Waah waah waah.

Oh, and the whole stalking thing that everybody thinks is so prevalent?  Non existent in the movie.  Whenever he shows up where she is, she has encouraged it.  Case in point, she goes to see her mother (one of the aforementioned baiting episodes) and texts Christian that she wishes he were there.  So, what does he do?  Gets on his plane and flies down there.  That’s.  Not.  Stalking.

Overall, the movie is pretty laughable to us seasoned doms and subs.  I mean, in one “BDSM” scene he ties her up, slaps her ass three times, then starts fucking her.  WTF?  But is is the Kink Apocalypse everybody says it is?  No.  Not even close.

And that’s taking into account that dumbfuck here in Chicago.


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